Undrunk
by yuneame
Summary: The blood keeps me alive, but its the alcohol that keeps me sane. Could I have a...bloody scotch?  ... A Collection of Damon's memories and thoughts ...
1. Chapter 1

_I wished I could drink and forget. The alcohol never really intoxicates a vampire's system, so while it relieves hunger for a short amount of time, I usually wake up thirsty like hell with a freakin' migraine pounding at my temples. The world is unfair, I'd rule. Hell, God doesn't play by the rules, so no one should. I shouldn't._

I shouldn't.

There was a car coming down the road. I could feel the warmth of the headlights on my skin, but I didn't move an inch. It was relaxing listening to the crackle of the tires rolling across the ground. Hit me. Run me over, if you dare. As if I care.

I took a sip of my scotch.

_Kerchak, click-clack, slam._

Damn, that stupid woman getting out of her car. I could sense her fear. Clattering over in her noisy shoes, asking if I'm okay, _**why**_ would I be laying in the middle of the road if I was okay, _**why**_ would you even have to ask?

"I'm...lost" I struggled to find the right words to make her understand. "I need help. Can you...help me?"

"You're drunk." She accused abruptly, turning away. I'm not drunk. I'm wallowing in my despair, cursing my bad luck, wishing you had hit me with your car. Stupid woman.

"No...Don't leave...I really do need help!" I called out. Damn me. "Don't move."

Two words, and she was as still as stone beneath my hands. The obedience was always eerie. I let go of her quickly.

I wanted to tell her everything, make her understand I've lived way too long for all this trouble; but the fear in her blue eyes turned a warm brown, and Elena's voice came from her quivering lips...she was no longer asking me why she could not move, but calling out my name with concern. _Damon? Damon, are you okay?_

I smiled at the irony. The world began to spin until the woman's face was nothing but a blur of colors. I leaned closer to her. "What's your name?" Oh, the mockery of it all. The smile pulled at my cheeks.

"Jessica..." _Jess, Jessy Jess Jess, let me tell you e-verything. Everything, why do you look so confused? Don't be, just listen to me._

"Jessica...I have a secret." A clenching ache began in my chest, and I struggled to relieve it. "I can't be...what other people want me to be, I can't be...what _**she**_ wants me to be. This is who I am, Jessica."

"A-Are you going to hurt me?" The raw sound of her voice chilled my body, as if the night breeze had washed the liquor from my system. I shook the canister and drank some more, but it felt too thin and too watery on my tongue, slipped too fast down my throat. I needed something thicker...sweeter...deep red...like...

I watched curiously as the pulse on her neck throbbed erratically.

"Do I kill you? Or do I not kill you?" I mused aloud. Tears dripped down her face. She begged me not to. I grasped her thin shoulder and shook hard, _you can't leave, Jessica, I forbid you. Don't leave me alone, I can see it in your eyes but I'm not finished_..."I have to, Jessica. Because I'm not **human**. And I miss it...I miss it more than anything in the world!"

_"Please! Make it stop, I can't stand it anymore, make it stop, make it stop!" I wanted to quiet her cries, a quick plunge in her heart and all the pain would be over. Her nails dug into my arm, she could not speak in her suffering, but her eyes told me she could not let go. That there were too many things in her 500 years that she never accomplished. Maybe she had spent all of her life being a coward, while I had spent mine trying to forget I was one._

"There's only so much pain a man can handle," I gasped. My other hand shook fiercely, and as I gripped the canister tighter in my hand, I could feel myself losing control.

I let her go.

_"Be the better man, Damon." Her eyes pierced mine. Just a girl, with just a mere seventeen years under her belt, and I couldn't look away. She expected honesty, searched for purity inside of me; she forced it on me...until I couldn't breathe. I studied her carefully and grabbed my jacket to hide the shaking of my arms. _

_Sometimes, I want you far away from me. I don't want you looking at me with expectations and consequences, like your friendship matters to me, like you can control me, or hurt me. I control people. I hurt people. That is who I really am, Elena._

A monster.

She should have never stopped to help me. I let the warm blood drip down my chin, relishing in its thickness as the liquid slides down my throat. Maybe a...type O?

Hm, just joking. All tastes the same.

The woman drops to the ground and for a second, I feel light. Free of the world, free of myself...the moon looks beautiful tonight, no stars, plenty of trees...Enjoy the night, Damon, while it lasts.

Strolling down the middle of the road, I shake the last few drops of scotch into my mouth with a steady hand. Tsk tsk, the lengths of human stupidity...

Goodbye, Jessica.

Oh, and by the way...I'm always sober.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: short blurb of the day

When I was young, I liked holding leaves up to the sun and imagining the world as if it were green. It was my favorite color.

I loved our house, surrounded by grass and nature. I loved the forest as my backyard, climbing trees with Stefan secretly, while Father was out...and having the house servants usher us inside when his carriage approached. The stains of the outdoors never really left our clothing.

We were innocent back then. We were also human.

If I wanted to remember any part of my past life, I would pick my childhood, the only time I was ever truly happy. I would take a leaf, like I am now, and hold it up to the sun, imagining...

What would the world look like if it were green?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: A little snippet of when Alaaric and Damon first agreed to be allies. It may be odd to have Damon in Ric's apartment, but I wanted to write something like this, so...here it is.

I watched warily as Alaaric sharpened a dagger the length of my forearm. He caught a glimpse of my expression and smirked.

"You... why are you even here?" He asked, examining the edge of the blade.

"Well someone has to keep an eye on you." I told him. "Especially when you have your little arsenal of pointy things lethal to vampires. And stop sharpening that number so violently, you're giving me a headache."

Alaaric scoffed. "I'm not asking you to stay. But you're always welcome to help."

I glared in response to his sarcastic smile. _Oh Saltzman, how you annoy me so._

For a while, the room was silent save the rhythmic scraping sounds coming from the worktable.

"You love her?"

"...What?" I spluttered. _Too quickly,_ hissed the voice in my head.

"You heard me."

I took a moment to sort my thoughts. "...There are things you don't know, Saltzman, that do not concern you. Get outa my business before it bites you in the nose."

I flinched slightly when he lodged the dagger into the wooden trim behind me.

"Who should get out of whose business." He grumbled, before stalking back to the storage closet.

Running a hand through my hair, I took a deep breath. "I just...don't trust her to look after herself."

"Hm, you know, Damon. If I didn't know better I'd say you've lost the ability to trust women in general." Alaaric may have been referring to the women I've discarded in the past, but I couldn't help but think he was personally speaking of Katherine.

Suffocated by the sudden surge of memories I could not suppress, I cocked my head to the side to shake off the crazy feeling and strode out of the room.

"No." I replied coldly, a response to his query. "I don't trust anyone..._in general_."

I made sure to slam the apartment door hard in his face.


End file.
